I am a person motivated and influenced by so many diverse forces I sometimes question the sanity of my existence. I am a living paradox ---- deeply religious, yet not as convinced of my exact beliefs as I ought to be; wanting responsibility yet shirking it; loving the truth but often times giving way to falsify. I detest selfishness, but see it in the mirror every day. I view those, some of whom are very close to me, who have never learned how to live. I desire and struggle to be different from them, but often am almost an exact likeness. What a boring little word ---- I! I, me, my, mine, the only things that enable worthwhile uses of these words are the universal good qualities which we are not too often able to place with them ---- faith, trust, love, responsibility, regret, knowledge. But the acronyms to these symbols of what enable life to be worth the trouble cannot be escaped. I, in my attempts to be honest, will not be the hypocrite I hate, and will own up to their ominous presence in this boy, endeavouring in such earnest to be a man. I don’t do bad thing; I don’t drink, smoke, or go beyond petting with girls, though I kissed a fair number. Most of the time I am happy, but I could never be sure I am as good as I wanted to be.
我这个人受到各种各样力量的驱动和影响,有时我问自己是否活得心智健全。我是个活生生的悖论——深深信奉宗教,但对于自己确切的信仰并不像应该有的那样深信不疑;想要责任却又逃避责任;热爱真理却又常常屈从谬误。我厌恶自私,但每天在镜子里看到自私。我看到那些——其中一些是跟我很熟悉的人,他们从没学会如何生活。我希望并努力成为和他们不一样的人,但常常和他们如出一辙。我——多么令人厌烦的字眼!我,我的,唯一让这些词值得使用的,是那些通用而我们往往却不能安置它们的优秀品质——信仰,信任,爱,责任,悔恨,知识。但是这些使生活值得去拼搏的象征不能被避免。我,在努力做一个诚实人的尝试中,不会成为我自己所讨厌的伪君子,而且会坦白承认它们潜藏在这个男孩身上,而他正努力让自己成为一个男人。我从不做坏事;我不喝酒,不吸烟,也不与女孩子们做一些过分出格的事情,尽管我跟不少亲吻过。大部分时间我很开心,但始终不确定我是否自己希望的那样好。 |